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Only two bacon dishes?

Who was smoking what in Montreal?
By Gregg Drinnan
August 23, 2015 9:46 P.M.

Someone from the London Telegraph asked South Korea’s Chung Mong-joon — he wants Sepp Blatter’s job atop FIFA — about Blatter’s attempts to keep clear of the scandal that has enveloped soccer. The response: “Blatter is like a cannibal eating his parents and then crying he’s an orphan.” . . . A “fun fact” from Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle: “There are some shrubs, but no bushes at Busch Stadium.” . . . Think about that one for a moment. . . . “Did you hear,” asks comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, “they are planning to make a biopic about New York Jet Antonio Cromartie, who has fathered 12 kids with eight mothers? It’s called ‘Straight Out of Condoms.’ ” . . .

“Novak Djokovic — en route to winning the Montreal Masters — complained to the umpire that ‘someone is smoking weed, I can smell it, I’m getting dizzy’,” Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times writes. “There went Seattle hopes of landing a big-time tennis tournament.” . . . Is it strange that we’ve never heard that complaint (?) during the Odlum Brown Vancouver Open that wrapped up this weekend? . . . Perry, again: “The Boston Red Sox are conducting an essay contest in which the winner and a guest get to sleep in Fenway Park. Kind of like the Mariners did in losing 15-1 and 22-10 there last week.” . . . Perry wonders: “When an NFL player gets suspended for using a new strain of steroids, why doesn’t the media dub it Inflategate?” . . .

“So,” Janice Hough, aka The Left Coast Sports Babe, writes, “Donald Trump is going to pay for a border wall by taxing all Mexican visitors to the U.S. And what exactly is he going to do with all those crazies from Canada, eh?” . . . One more from Hough: “San Diego gave QB Philip Rivers a $65-million guaranteed contract. The Chargers are throwing money around like they’re a Los Angeles team already.” . . . Just the other night, while watching a baseball game, my wife asked: “Whatever happened to the young woman who was in the Game of War commercials?” A few nights later and it’s as if Kate Upton’s home is in our living room. . . .

“Increasingly popular in America, the English Premier League kicked off recently,” notes Greg Cote of the Miami Herald. “Don’t expect many surprises, though. The league is top-heavy with only four or five teams considered to be realistic championship contenders. We have a phrase in the U.S. for that kind of predictability and lack of parity: ‘the NBA.’ ” . . . With the Miami Dolphins and the Dolfans preparing for an annual kickoff luncheon, according to Cote, “running back LaMichael James informs the media he’d like that we call him ‘LaMike’ from now on. Tell you what. First prove that we won’t be calling you ‘ex-Dolphin’ instead, OK?” . . .

David Stern, the former NBA commissioner, is said to be feeling bored with life, so friends are urging him to run for mayor of New York City. “His platform,” suggests Ian Hamilton of the Regina Leader-Post, “would be based on cleaning up the city and getting rid of undesirable ne’er-do-wells — like the Knicks, for example.” . . . With all of the money that Major League Baseballers make, what’s with so many scraggly beards and bad haircuts? . . .

“I can think of two bacon dishes,” writes Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald. “With eggs and without.” . . . One more from Dickson: “There’s so much negative stuff in the news, it’s time for something positive: According to geologists, Washington, D.C., is sinking.” . . . “The Harlem Globetrotters have dropped the Washington Generals as an opponent because the Generals have no chance to win,” Dickson notes. “I'm just glad that hasn't kept Bobby Jindal and Martin O'Malley from running for president.” . . . I was watching Toronto playing the New York Yankees last Sunday when Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista hit a long flyball. Buck Martinez started screaming “Get outta here! Get outta here!” So I left. Can anyone tell me who won the game? . . .

The B.C. Lions, now 3-5, lost 52-22 to the Tiger-Cats in Hamilton last weekend and then were beaten 23-13 by the visiting Montreal Alouettes on Thursday. If the Lions keep this up, the City of Kamloops may stop paying them to hold training camp here. . . . Meanwhile, the Alouettes also are 3-5, with all five defeats coming by four points or fewer. So, of course, they fired head coach Tom Higgins on Friday, which was the day after they had won in Vancouver for the first time in 15 years. . . .

“The Raiders play their final home exhibition game on Aug. 30 against the Cardinals at O.co Coliseum,” scribbles Bill Littlejohn, our South Lake Tahoe, Calif., correspondent. “After the game, the street and biker gangs that frequent there will make their final roster cuts and turn in their opening day rosters to their respective National headquarters.” . . . The other day, John McEnroe, in talking about Serena Williams, said: “I believe I could still take her.” Littlejohn noted: “Aren't those words on the tombstone of Bobby Riggs?” . . .

“New York Jets QB Geno Smith will be out for a bit after his jaw was broken in a locker-room fight,” reports Richmond, B.C., blogger TC Chong. “An unnamed source said that Geno tried to fight back but three of his punches fell short, and another two were intercepted.” . . . “To the amazement of firefighters,” Chong writes, “a goat named Leo survived the Rock Creek, B.C., wildfire. Even more amazing is that this is the only goat in the Northwest not named Pete Carroll.” . . . A Nepalese teenager recently set a world record by kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. According to TBS’s Conan O’Brien: “He broke the previous record of zero.”

(Gregg Drinnan is a former sports editor of the Regina Leader-Post and the late Kamloops Daily News. He is at greggdrinnan@gmail.com and twitter.com/gdrinnan. Keeping Score appears here on weekends, except when it doesn’t.)

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